I was thinking about you this morning when I was doing my daily chin ups. Got a bar in the hallway and one in my room. I always hang there for a minute or two and do leg lifts hanging from the bar. Good for the abs. You ever do those, buddy?
Got a routine for ya. If you like it, maybe we add it to our challenge list.
So, you got me good last time, bud. Yup, here I am wearing this stupid jersey. But this is a competition, bud. And if I win the next round, this jersey gets ripped off and tossed in yer face, after I spit on it. So, it looks like you're up, tough guy.
Down to yer gym shorts, sitting on this stool. Chin up bar hanging from chains in the ceiling. You reach up and grab it, overhand pull-up grip. You can just reach it comfortably. But to make sure you don't lose yer grip (hockey players are known for their weak grips), I gotta take this roll of duct tape and tape yer hands to that metal bar. Around and around yer clenched fists, just like a boxer getting his hands wrapped, only you're grabbing that bar, and now you can't let go.
See those other chains hanging down from the ceiling, about 4 feet in front of you? I take a 4-foot length of 2 x 4 lumber and hang it from the chains, parallel to the ground, right at yer waist level.. Take yer feet and lay them across the 2 x 4, ankles spread to the ends, and tie them tightly to the 2 x 4. Take the laces from yer sneakers and use them to tightly tie yer big toes back to yer ankles. Now yer feet are flexed back real good.
I grab a stopwatch and a score pad.
Then I yank the stool out from under you.
You're hanging there, buddy, in mid-air, holding yer weight up by grabbing that chin up bar, and yer legs out at a 90% angle. Kinda tough, huh? But you can take it, dude. Sorta like forced leg lifts, but if you try, you can take up some of yer weight through yer legs resting on that 2 x 4. But not much.
I go to the closet and pull out this brand new Montreal football jersey I just bought, and I hang it up right in front of yer face. I don't say a word about it. It's just hanging there so you can see it.
Man, with you hanging there like a side of beef, those armpits of yours are really stretched out, aren't they, bud? I wonder if they are ticklish at all?
I take my fingertips and very lightly start to tickle those pits, starting by just barely brushing the hairs in there. Hey, buddy, you want to tell me how ticklish you are? I dig in deeper and harder, and you start to squirm, trying not to show that it's getting to you. Hey, buddy, you want it to stop? Just tell me how ticklish you are, man, and it will stop.
After at least five minutes of gentle tickling, you are beginning to sweat hanging there, the muscles in yer arms just starting to feel it, and you are squirming more and more. And it's easy to see you squirm, because you are swinging back and forth, unable to control your movements. When the armpit tickling finally gets to you, you use your strength to pull yourself up, and hold yourself in the up position, protecting yer tender pits. So, I just reach up and start lightly tickling yer abs and yer sides, right below the ribcage.
You hold yourself up in that pull up for as long as you can, dreading the inevitable drop to expose your armpits again, but your strength gives out, you relax and hang, and I really dig into those armpits. You are sweating now, and starting to moan and make these funny little noises. You saying something, buddy? Want to tell me how ticklish you are yet?
This goes on and on, you hanging there, getting yer armpits mercilessly tickled, then rallying yer strength and pulling yerself up, only to have yer abs and sides attacked. Up and down, up and down, over and over. Kinda hard with yer legs tied up in front of you, huh? Man, I love to watch you do your daily pull ups, buddy. Great form, too. Especially after yer muscles start to shake and quiver, and you feel yer strength giving out on you. But the tickling never stops for a minute.
It's totally up to you, dude. You want to give yer armpits a break from being tickled? Just do a pull up and hold it, man. Just yer abs and sides will be very lightly tickled while you're trying to hold yourself up there, and that won't bother you at all, will it, tough guy?
So, how ticklish are you, bud? You want to talk to me yet?
You are in deep shit, yer arms are shaking, you are sweating, and you desperately need a break, or yer arms will fail you completely. You are about to ask for a break. But I am way ahead of you (as always, buddy).
Hey, man, didn't I tell you at the start of this that you can ask for a one minute break any time you want?
Must have slipped my mind. Sorry, dude. Well, you can. All you gotta do is yell real loud "TIME".
Whenever you yell "TIME", the stool goes back under yer butt and you can sit and rest yer arms and catch yer breath. I start the stopwatch and time yer break, just like a real time out. And I mark down on the scorecard that you requested a break. For one whole minute.
ONLY THING IS, DUDE, that for that entire minute, yer bare feet are gonna be tickled non-stop.
Yup, all through yer break, while yer resting yer arms and upper body from the strain of hanging there, trying to catch yer breath, yer bare soles are gonna be tickled for the full minute. Hope you can catch yer breath and rest while yer feet are being tickled, dude. If not, you are fucked.
I hope this doesn't make you think twice about how often you call for a break. Or that I'm keeping score, counting up the breaks as they pile up. Just yell "TIME" whenever ya need to, buddy. Feel free. I bet yer gonna be needing a lot of breaks.
And so it starts. You are sitting on the stool, trying desperately to catch a break and rest your tired arms and catch your breath, and all the while your bare feet, soles stretched out tight, are being thoroughly and mercilessly tickled. One minute of this kind of "break" can seem like a real long time. And you got a lot of it to look forward to.
When he minute is up, the stool gets yanked away, and you are hanging there from that bar again, unable to let go, while yer armpits get tickled and tickled and tickled. The longer this goes on, the less strength you have to pull yourself up to protect those tender armpits from the tickling. And you know me, sometimes you'll get it real hard and deep, and other times, you will get it real light and steady. You will eventually lose it and start laughing and swearing and yelling "TIME" again, only to get yer one minute break while yer feet now get it. You realize that the tickling doesn't stop, it just changes areas. You don't see any "out", except to tell me how ticklish you are.
You hold out for a long time, sweating, straining, laughing and yelling, and your calls for breaks come faster and closer together.
Geez, dude, you sound like a little wussy at a kid's league game, yelling "TIME.....TIME.....TIME....." everytime he stubs a finger or has to blow his nose. You know how many times you've yelled "TIME" so far? Let's check the scorecard. C'mon, dude, I thought you were a little more of a man than that!
You are being worn down fast now, with breaks requested every couple of minutes. Fine, more tickling to yer feet, that's all. It's totally up to you, man. You're in the driver's seat. If you want yer feet tickled, just call "TIME" and that stool comes out for you to rest your shaking body, and yer feet get it good. One full minute, that's all. This stopwatch don't lie. Then, it's back to hanging and exposing yer armpits for more tickling. It's been a long time since you even had the strength to pull yerself up, so now yer armpits get the full, non-stop tickle treatment, and you're just hanging there, unable to do anything to stop it. But you can...
You are at the end of your rope, and you finally have to cave. I ask you again how ticklish you are, and, among the laughs and squirming and grunts and cursing, you tell me how ticklish you are, and where. I test out those spots, getting howls of pitiful laughter out of you, and more calls of "TIME".
But it still doesn't stop like you thought it would. The non-stop tickling still continues. What the fuck?
All this time, dude, I just been softening you up, waiting.
Now, you see that Montreal Canadians jersey that's been hanging there in front of your face, with not a word said about it all this time?
I wonder how you'd look in that color???